My uncle’s neighbor’s florist says he did it.

Source: Michael J. Knowles

My neighbor’s fifth-cousin-twice-removed’s gardener heard from her dentist that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh convinced Ted Cruz’s dad to murder JFK, and I’ll have you know that my neighbor is very credible. He also heard—or was it she?—that Count Bohuslav Chotek von Chotkow und Wognin saw Brett Kavanaugh with his own two eyes at Sarajevo in 1914. Do Republicans seriously want to offer life tenure to the man who may or may not have started World War I? Of course they do, to say nothing of the most recent allegations, which I should add are very credible, that Kavanaugh helped Flavius Odoacer overthrow Romulus and topple the Western Roman Empire sometime between AD 476 and the mid-1980s.

As the hashtag slacktivists assure us, we must believe every accuser, especially if she is a woman, and to afford no rights to the accused, especially if he is a man. After all, what woman would ever falsely accuse a man of sexual assault, other than Jackie Coakley, Morgan Triplett, Desiree Nall, Meg Lanker-Simons, Danmell Ndonye, Tanya Borachi, Tawana Brawley, Crystal Gail Mangum, and many others? What reason would any woman have to make a false accusation other than politics, convenience, revenge, psychosis, or the notoriously unreliable nature of human memory? Even if an accuser were lying, better to smear one hundred upright, conservative men than to disbelieve even one amnesiac, leftist woman. After all, our system of justice depends upon the presumption that men are guilty until proven innocent.

Kavanaugh has categorically denied the accusations, which alleged eyewitnesses have also refuted and which, admittedly, have fallen apart in recent days. But even if the accusations against Kavanaugh are false, they point to a greater truth, and for that we should charge the judge with crimes against humanity and ship him off to The Hague. #TimesUp! A new era has dawned, and #HeForShe and you and #MeToo finally need to #BelieveWomen, unless her name is Karen Monahan.