Elon Musk took to the stage on Thursday night to peddle his latest desperate cash grab pile of shit introduce the first Tesla truck model at yet another sycophant-sell-out unveiling “party”. In our wildest dreams, we couldn’t imagine a more ridiculous revealing of Tesla’s new “Cybertruck” than what took place.

As the old saying goes, “a picture is worth a thousand words”.

And here’s that picture: a truck with two shattered windows that looks like it rolled out of a dumpster heap at a metal scrapyard, being offered for the low low price of just $39,900.

We know you have questions. What am I looking at? Why are the windows broken? We’ll get to it.

The theme of the Cybertruck unveiling, after getting over the way the thing looked, was its durability. “We created an exoskeleton,” Musk says at one point, describing the truck’s exterior. It was something Musk literally “hammered home” starting at the beginning of his presentation. In fact, after revealing the truck, he had one of his assistants come on stage and hit the door with a sledge hammer. The door didn’t budge.

No dents! Incredible! Musk’s genius shines through again!

Musk then went on to talk about how the truck was bulletproof. The crowd begged him to “shoot it” live on on stage, but Musk settled for showing photos and animations of the truck supposedly being shot at with 9mm bullets.

And it’s a good thing they didn’t try to shoot it on stage, because if it went anything like testing the armored glass, we could have wound up with somebody dead. 

Then, in what can only be described as a massively embarrassing failure, Musk then had his assistant come on stage and try to break the truck’s armored glass.

“Normal glass shatters immediately,” Musk said as his assistants, dressed like characters from The Matrix, dropped a metal ball on conventional glass, causing it to shatter.

At which point another of Musk’s assistants gently threw a similar metal ball at the Cybertruck parked on stage. The driver’s side window promptly broke.

“Oh my fucking God,” Musk nervously said, live on the stream, after the front window shattered into a million pieces.

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