Source: Jeremy Egerer
Afternoon there, neighbor!
There’s a new disease in town, and I wanted you to know about it.
It gives the chills and sweats and headaches
and fevers and diarrhea and a cough and it can kill you.
Not a cold or a flu, but a new thing.
It can kill most of us, it turns out.
We’re going to have to lock you down, in fact.
For your well-being. Two weeks is all we ask to flatten this curve.
What’s a curve? Funny you ask.
It’s when too many people get put into the hospital.
We just want to slow the numbers.
Whittle them down a bit.
Lock you out of work and church and play for two weeks.
Totally worth it, we promise.
What do you mean, you don’t have any symptoms?
It causes all symptoms and no symptoms,
and the people with no symptoms are the most dangerous people.
In fact, wear this mask. Put it on your kids.
Pull them out of school and hide them from the other kids.
We know that the flu kills way more kids every year
and kids need to develop an immune system, but put it on anyway.
It’s about solidarity, and you don’t want to kill old people, do you?
Change of plans — it’s looking like four weeks.
Not everybody was on board, you know,
and this means that the disease still exists.
Yes, like the cold.
And it looks as though we’ve got a new wave!
So we’re going to lock you down another month
and release a bunch of convicts.
Hospital capacity is a top priority, so you can’t go out to feed your kids
or celebrate Independence Day.
Don’t worry: we can put you on welfare and pause all the evictions.
Your business might go under, but you’ll still have a Walmart!
We kept them open because they’re essential (like liquor stores) and you aren’t.
You’re just feeding your family.
Walmart is big, and we don’t want you to go without groceries you can’t pay for.
I’m sure you can find a job there when we’re done.
Lovely race riots we’re having this year.
No, they’re not spreading it —
but you do when you’re at a Trump rally
or keeping your business open or going to the hospital.
That means no elective surgeries or silly doctor’s visits
for other things that might kill you later.
This is a top priority, as we’ve said before,
and we’ve got to keep the nurses nursing.
Cancer screenings will have to wait.
We know that the hospitals are empty, but we’ve got to keep them empty
— just in case the Republicans with no symptoms cause a big wave…
…which they will!
And by the way, why are you making this a political issue?
This isn’t about rights, or government,
or anything shallow like making a living.
This isn’t abortion. It isn’t “your body, your choice.”
This is a medical issue.
It’s a science issue.
That means all the other issues are non-issues.
You don’t want to be anti-science, do you?
You’re doing your own research? Ha, ha!
Don’t be silly — what can you say against a doctor?
As if you have a better idea how to live your life than he does.
What do you mean, there are other doctors and scientists with other opinions?
You think your chances of living are really good?
More than 99.9%? You have statistics, you say?
You know people who got COVID and all of them are fine?
All the front-line essential workers are alive?
You think tallying COVID deaths means more money for states and hospitals, and that the numbers are radically fudged?
That’s great that you and your family aren’t in danger,
but the ultra-old and ultra-fat are — and you’re not a killer, are you?
No, we can’t just send the elderly money and ask them to quarantine themselves.
And we certainly can’t ask fat people to hit the treadmill.
Fat people are beautiful, and health is a personal choice they have to make for themselves.
Speaking of personal choices, great news!
We’ve just developed a few vaccines,
and if you choose to take them, we’ll let you live your life!
FDA approval? Years, you say? How about months?
I know it’s the only Moderna product the FDA ever approved,
but it’s perfectly safe, they say, maybe 99% safe (no, not like COVID),
and only a few people are having seizures on television.
So we’ve approved it for kids!
It’s so safe that we’re blocking videos of strokes and seizures.
No need for that kind of negativity.
If science happened before your eyes, then why would anyone need a lab?
That’s why I’m glad we’ve got a new pro-science president.
And would you look at that? We have to revise our numbers.
Turns out we were over-estimating all along. Whoopsie-daisy!
I guess this means things are getting better.
And no, they weren’t already better.
Haven’t people been getting the vaccine just now?
Do you think this bettering is a coincidence? C’mon, man.
Anyhow, we’re all wrapped up and done, so thank you.
A year and a half of solidarity thanks to coercion.
A future of safety, so long as the unvaccinated wear masks
and keep themselves from the vaccinated.
That’s how vaccines work, so go about and live your life like before.
Just bring along your vaccine card while you’re flying,
or signing up for college, or getting AIDS on Grindr.
And if another strain attacks us from India?
Don’t worry. All we’re asking for is two weeks.