Source: Alex Parker 

Do you have a crap job? Would you like another one?

If so, write this down: Seres Therapeutics is offering big bucks to those for whom dignity at work doesn’t mean squat.

The Massachusetts company’s website asks a question some might find hard to digest: “Want to be compensated for donating stool?”

That’s not a reference to chairs. Seres is a biotech company, and it’s looking for people who have something sizable to offer.

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But your second ca-rear doesn’t have to be a strain: Amid going to the dump or dropping the kids off at the pool, just take some time to be a productive employee. A few minutes here and there, and you’re on your way to being at least the company’s Number Two worker.

Everyone has to do their business. Make sure yours does some good. …

[Y]ou may be eligible to earn up to $1,500 a month in compensation to donate your poop (compensation may vary by city and is subject to change). Not only that, your participation could help lead to future developments in gastrointestinal infections and disorders that directly serve a patient population in need.

Is Seres anal about eligibility? You’ll be relieved to know…

The GoodNature™ Program is recruiting healthy individuals who have regular bowel movements and are 18 to 50 years old, are of a normal weight, don’t smoke, and have no history of gastrointestinal disease or alcohol or drug abuse to donate their poop.

Easy peasy.

However, contributors “must be available to donate three to four times a week at the collection site.”

More fine print:

People cannot participate while they’re pregnant, though we encourage them to keep us in mind for the future.

Those willing to put in the effort “can receive up to $75 for every poop donation.”

The company even offers examples of what each 75-buck bucketful could buy you:

  • Tickets to see your favorite band
  • That shirt you’ve been eyeing
  • Your morning coffee for a month

Or put that dough right back into the business:

  • Five whole pizzas

As reported by AZCentral, enterprising Arizonans should be particularly moved by the opportunity:

Seres Therapeutics chose Tempe after a national search for a third GoodNature stool collection site, said Alex Murray, the company’s vice president of manufacturing and supply chain analytics.

Apparently, colleges are especially fecally fertile:

“We looked for folks based on lifestyle and demographics, mainly in terms of age, general fitness level and culture in the area,” Murray said. “As we went out to visit a shorter list of different opportunities, being really close to Arizona State University, the level of activity and innovation in public health in the community just made a really good fit.”

They’re already doing big business:

Company representatives attended the Aloha Fest in Tempe over the weekend and connected with 150 prospective donors, Murray said. Potential donors go through multiple screenings. Among other things, company officials need to ensure the donors’ microbiome contains the bacteria needed for the Seres therapeutic.

The new location — which joins turd depositories in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and Irvine, California — is sticking to simplicity:

The Tempe site will be for the GoodNature program only. There will be no manufacturing operations, Murray said.

No reason to bite off more than they can chew. Or further process.

So if you’ve been stewing to help humanity and you’re a fan of sitting on the job — and if you’re in close proximity to a drop-off point — contact Seres Therapeutics.

The money’s so close…you can almost taste it.

The payments for the poop are a plus. Some donors have earned up to $10,000 in a calendar year because they stay with the program long enough, Murray said. …

People interested in becoming stool donors must first complete the eligibility questionnaire at goodnatureprogram.com.

For those logging into the system, thank you for your push toward better health for us all.

Murray said donors tend to be people who are invested in helping others.

Indeed.

Sign up with Seres, and put the “PU” in “Therapeutics.”

-ALEX