Are you turned on when you look in the mirror, and enjoy nothing more than a steamy night at home alone? You could be an autosexual

Source: Guardian News

Name: Autosexuality.

Age: Exactly as old as I am.

Appearance: Beautiful, fun, charming, attractive, sexy. Like me.

If you don’t mind me saying so, you seem pretty pleased with yourself. Yes, I am, thanks.

It’s like you think you’re all that. I certainly do.

Wow. You’re really quite full of yourself, aren’t you? I wish.

Look, I’m trying to insult you. Will you please just act wounded? No can do. I’m too happy.

Why? Because I’m head over heels in love.

With whom? With me.

Wait. Who’s in love with you? I am.

What? My orientation happens to be autosexual.

What do you mean? Like a sexy robot? No, not like a sexy robot.

Or does it mean you get aroused by cars, like Jeremy Clarkson? It means that I am sexually attracted to myself.

How does that even work? Well, I usually start by lighting a few candles and checking I’ve got fresh batteries. Then …

Stop. If you’re talking about masturbation, everybody does that. I hear. Autosexuality is different from autoeroticism. It’s more about masturbating to the idea of yourself.

I’m afraid the distinction is lost on me. You might, for example, be turned on by your own nudity. In my case I’m also autoromantic – I literally love myself.

What are you talking about? I mean I get butterflies in my stomach when I think about me.

No you don’t. Yes I do. I go on dates with myself and buy myself romantic gifts.

If you love yourself so much, why don’t you marry yourself? I may. The writer Ghia Vitale got engaged to herself in 2017, and plans a self-wedding at some point.

What’s stopping her? Cold feet? She’s just taking things slowly. “Although I will one day be my own wife, I am enjoying the feeling of being engaged.”

You are so having me on. I’m not, honestly. Sologamy is a real and growing phenomenon. Lots of people are saying “I do” to themselves in special ceremonies these days, although it is not legally recognised anywhere in the world.

Are you sure this isn’t more to do with the lonely resignation of people who can’t have relationships with others? Not all autosexual romances are monogamous, even if they are central to one’s love life. “I now realise that my relationship with myself is as valid as any other relationship,” says Vitale.

Do say: “Who’s the pretty girl in the mirror over there?”

Don’t say: “Look, this just isn’t working. It’s not me, it’s me.”

We made a choice…

… will you support it today? Our journalism now reaches record numbers around the world and more than a million people have supported our reporting. We continue to face financial challenges but, unlike many news organisations, we haven’t put up a paywall. We want our journalism to remain accessible to all, regardless of where they live or what they can afford.

This is The Guardian’s model for open, independent journalism: free for those who can’t afford it, supported by those who can. Readers’ support powers our work, safeguarding our essential editorial independence. This means the responsibility of protecting independent journalism is shared, enabling us all to feel empowered to bring about real change in the world. Your support gives Guardian journalists the time, space and freedom to report with tenacity and rigour, to shed light where others won’t. It emboldens us to challenge authority and question the status quo. And by keeping all of our journalism free and open to all, we can foster inclusivity, diversity, make space for debate, inspire conversation – so more people have access to accurate information with integrity at its heart.

Guardian journalism is rooted in facts with a progressive perspective on the world. We are editorially independent, meaning we set our own agenda. Our journalism is free from commercial bias and not influenced by billionaire owners, politicians or shareholders. No one steers our opinion. At a time when there are so few sources of information you can really trust, this is vital as it enables us to give a voice to those less heard, challenge the powerful and hold them to account. Your support means we can keep investigating and exploring the critical issues of our time.