Source: Christopher Chantrill

Do you think that last week was Peak Woke? What with Delta’s genius CEO Ed Bastian falling into line to criticize Georgia’s new election laws, What with MLB pulling the all-star game from Democratic Atlanta, What with Amazon joining in the fun.

And then there is the ticklish question of The Dam Busters movie. I probably saw the movie, way back. But did you know that the pilots of 617 Squadron had a black labrador, and its name was… unmentionable?

Tell me: is the Woke Capital thing due to Big Business getting bullied around by lefty activist groups threatening to make trouble? Is it CEOs getting a quiet word from Our Nance and Chuck E. Schumer? Is it the wokey ladies in HR? Or is it just Big Business trying to stay out of trouble?

The world would really like to know.

Oh, I see. It’s “Pressure mounts on corporations” in AP’s headline, followed by:

Liberal activist groups are stepping up calls for corporate America to denounce Republican efforts to tighten up voting laws…

Hello AP! Do you mean “A veritable racist army of racist ruling-class liberal activist groups are beating up lily-livered corporate drones to get them to advance the Democratic racist agenda. Just like in the Jim Crow era?” Then why not say so!

And another thing: how come all those “liberal activist groups” get to operate under a blanket of anonymity? Don’t they have names? In the interest of reporter-ology, AP?

But what do we do about it? Mostly, this week, I see people making jokes about ID. These corporations all require us to use ID but hey, who needs ID for voting? The very idea!

Jolly good fun, but I am here to tell you that sophisticated jokes ain’t gonna do it. What is needed is a mostly peaceful blow to the corporate solar plexus — metaphorically speaking, of course.

And one of the great heroines in literature showed us how to do it — over a hundred years ago. I am talking about Mistress Mary in The Secret Garden.

I think we should take a cue from Mistress Mary — so called because she was quite contrary. You remember The Secret Garden: the tale of two spoiled-brat cousins, Mary Lennox and Colin Craven, and how they transformed themselves and became practically perfect in every way with garden activism. I mean, of course, mostly peaceful planting and weeding.

What do you do about spoiled brats? In Yorkshire or in these United States? Miss Mary figured out what to do.

Mary had just heard from Colin’s nurse that her cousin’s temper tantrums were probably just “hysterics,” so when Colin had his next tantrum in the middle of the night, waking up poor Mistress Mary, she knew exactly what to do. Mistress Mary rushed to his room and told him:

“You stop!”

“I can’t!” whined the spoiled Colin.

“You can!” shouted Mary. “Half that ails you is hysterics and temper — just hysterics and temper — just hysterics – hysterics — hysterics!” and she stamped each time she said it.

And, of course, Colin shut up, joined up with Mary and Dickon in the secret garden, and everybody lived happily ever after.

It seems to me that it is high time to deploy the Mistress Mary strategy and get quite contrary around our wokey friends. So the next time your liberal pal recites the “systemic racism” response from the Book of Common Woke, or has a tantrum about “hate,” you just tell ‘em.

“You’re a racist. That’s what you are, A racist hater. Hate, hate, hate. Race, race, race.

“It’s always race with you. Race, Race, Race! Or do you sometimes think of something other than hate and race?

“Get back to me when you do, why don’t you! You Racist.”

Now, of course, this tactic applies only man-to-man, because men have an Insult Culture, suitable for use in bars and taverns, airline gates, peaceful protests, corporate boardrooms, and all-star games.

For women, of course, you don’t use the direct approach, because women have a Complaint Culture. So next time you are Kaffeeklatsching with the friend of your racist friend you say: “I can’t believe she would say something so racist. So hateful. Much as I hate to say it, she’s a hater.”

Much as I hate to say it, making sophisticated jokes ain’t gonna do it. I’m about two-thirds of the way through Unmasked by the brave Andy Ngô, and I haven’t detected a joke from the lefty activist set yet. I wonder if lefties get carefully taught not to make jokes when they are getting carefully taught to hate in their Antifa mostly-peaceful-protest training. Humor: so bourgeois and racist and colonizing, comrade.

Meanwhile I demand that AP stops writing vague headlines about “pressure mounts” and honestly report “Racist liberal hate groups bully craven corporate America. Again.”

Otherwise, AP, you are just a bunch of hatey-hate racists.